jueves, 17 de abril de 2008

Consejos prácticos para el problema de las mordidas

Antes de ayer fuimos a una reunión en el jardincito del Agus para tratar el tema de las mordidas. No es que el Agus muerda, no... ES LA VÍCTIMA!
La semana pasada llegó tres veces mordido por el mismo chico, una de las cuales, en la espalda!... tá difícil morderle la espalda a alguien, sobre todo por el problema de la nariz propia, que impide que mordamos superficies planas de frente.
Dicen las maestras que es algo típico de la edad y que no hay que preocuparse, lo que pasa que como todavía no hablan bien, necesitan expresarse de alguna manera.
No se preocupen, ya estamos entrenando al Agus para que si lo viene a morder el nene, le dé un empujón al grito de "NO MATEO!"
Pero igual, pensándolo bien, anoche se me ocurrió una solución definitiva al problema... El chico mordido debe morder al mordedor, cosa que se de cuenta del dolor que causa.
He aquí un pequeño manual de la mordida:

1_ Mordida en el dedo - Cómoda y rápida, porque queda a mano (en el sentido más literal de la palabra), duele bastante y puede inutilizar a la víctima durante un buen rato, e incluso de por vida si con el mordiscón se le arranca el dedo gordo y se lo mastica antes de escupirlo, cosa que no se le pueda reimplantar. De esta forma, el atacante perderá su prensibilidad y no podrá tomar nada sin hacer un enchastre y pasar vergüenza.

2_ Mordida en la mano propiamente dicha - También cómoda, también rápida, aunque menos dolorosa e inutilizante, a no ser que tengas la boca de Steven Tyler y te puedas tragar toda la mano de una dejándole sólo el muñón a tu oponente.

3_ Mordida en el brazo - Puede considerarse sólo un llamado de atención y, debido a su comodidad, puede ser un llamado más o menos concreto, según el caso. Desde la simple marca de dientes incisivos hasta el arrancamiento del pedazo de brazo.

4_ Mordida en el hombro - No es muy recomendable por la cercanía que debes tener a tu oponente para realizarla y los rápidos movimientos que éste pueda hacer para escapar. Además, debemos recordar que sus manos estará a la altura de tu bajo vientre y pueden actuar con rapidez. En caso de estar utilizando pañales no hay tanto problema, pero si ya los dejaste estarías exponiendo inútilmente tu más preciado tesoro.

5_ Mordida en la cara / cabeza - Necesitaríamos todo un manual para describir cada tipo de mordida en esta zona, sólo recordaremos en esta ocasión algunas opciones que puedes tener n cuenta en caso de necesitarlas: 
El arrancamiento total o parcial de oreja, también conocidos como la "Van Gogh" o la "Tyson", respectivamente. 
El arrancamiento, masticamiento o reforma de nariz, técnica conocida como "Nip Tuck".
El ahuecamiento de cachete para que se le escape todo el líquido cuando tome algo al estilo cartoon.
La mordedura, masticación o arranque total o parcial de labios, son técnicas algo vulgares y pueden prestarse a la confusión del espectador, por considerarlas un beso efusivo. También se las llama "Raquel Mancini".
La mordedura de cráneo, difícil técnica que requiere de gran práctica, ya que debes inmovilizar a tu oponente por completo antes de arriesgarte a hacerla, para esto es recomendable apretar uno o ambos globos oculares con sendos pulgares mientras le pisas los pies. Debes estar atento, no obstante, a los posibles cabezazos y demás acciones desesperadas de tu enemigo.
La mordedura de cuello,  puede ocasionar graves trastornos respiratorios e incluso la muerte por desangrado, si llegas a atinarle a la yugular. Las más efectivas son las mordidas de frente, aunque para esto, debes tirar la cabeza de tu oponente hacia atrás.

6_ Mordida en el torso / panza, salvo que ambos estén en el piso, no es recomendable, porque expones tu cara inútilmente a rodillazos, codazos y puñetazos. No obstante, si logras llegar al estómago, podrás causar un daño inconmensurable, e incluso, si se lo logras ahuecar, podrás arrancarle las entrañas al mejor estilo Mortal Kombat.

7_ Mordida en la nalga, fácil de efectuar y tremendamente efectiva, ya que la anatomía de esta zona se presta perfectamente a ser mordida, sobre todo en niños menores de 3 años, y además puedes acercarte sigilosamente y atacar por sorpresa. Debes tener en cuenta, eso sí, que debes aprovechar algún momento en el que tu contrincante no tenga puesto el pañal, ya que de lo contrario esta mordida pierde muchísima efectividad. Puedes aprovechar los cambios de pañales, siempre esperando a que primero limpien la zona debidamente con una toallita, o los momentos de rebeldía colectiva en los que todos se quitan la ropa... puedes incluso tender la trampa comenzando este movimiento tú mismo: gritas "pantalón no!, pañal no!" mientras te vas sacando tu propia ropa, todos tus compañeritos te seguirán, sacándose su ropa y luego, cuando menos se lo espere, podrás morder impunemente la nalga de tu enemigo.

8_ Mordida en las piernas y/o jamones, también muy fáciles de efectuar aunque arriesgadas, ya que queda expuesta tu nuca a posibles golpes con cubos de letras, sonajeros, biberones y demás elementos contundentes que pueda tener tu adversario en la mano. Los jamones, al igual que las nalgas, tienen una anatomía que se presta especialmente para el ataque a diente limpio y, si eres suficientemente rápido, puedes ocasionar heridas cortopunzantes profundas, que requieran hospitalización.

9_ Mordida en los pies, no es recomendable, ya que hay una sola boca y dos pies, por lo tanto, si mordemos uno, el otro nos podrá pegar patadas e el rostro.

10_ por último, la mordida en a espalda... la misma que le hicieron al Agus. en realidad no existe, porque es imposible morder a alguien en la espalda, probalo y vas a ver.

65 comentarios:

Anaik Frita dijo...

Si la víctima es carnosa (por ejemplo el Tano, o el Agus) la mordida en la espalda es la mordida cuasi perfecta: el oponente está de espaldas, desprevenido, incapaz de reaccionar al instante...
Me estoy perfeccionando en el tema, cuando tenga mas práctica te cuento.

Tampax Ultra dijo...

Si podés agarrar un rollo de la espalda está bien, Pero yo probé con el Agus y no puedo.

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